MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! I hope you enjoy time with family, and take some time to relax and just enjoy the season.

We are leaving for Oklahoma today; we will stay in FTW tonight, and then tomorrow morning we will drive to my parents, and stay there for a week.  Then we'll come back to FTW, and stay a couple of nights, then back to Houston on the 3rd.  Shaft is going hunting with my dad and brothers, so that'll be fun for him, I'll be chiling at my parents house with my mom.  I'm looking forward to it, I think we'll have a good time.  I am afraid that his hunting trip will mess with our TTC time, but if it does, life will go on.

I added a new link to the left; there is a LOL Dogs website that I found from LOL Cats.  Enjoy crazy puppies.

I've been thinking some lately, and not quite sure how to put this. But, I think I have realized that even though big women deserve baby bellies too that maybe I'm just not one of them.  That maybe I'm meant to be smaller before I get pregnant.  After we get back from our trip I am going on a strict diet, and going to drop some pounds.  Hopefully this will get me in better condition to get pregnant.  Maybe I will be able to take Clomid after I drop some pounds, but I'm going to focus on the weight loss.  Please be with me these next few months.

During this time of year I need this sentiment more than ever; so I'm reposting more for myself than for my few readers... I LOVE all of you girls that keep up with my struggle.

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but
extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones:
"Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "things happen for a reason", of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

"These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

"I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

"No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a
child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

"While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

- not written by me

I have written the below letter to a Dr that is answering questions online. I hope that he does take the time to read mine and give me some answers.

This is something he posted earlier... I thought it was profound

For all you folks: Remember that once you see a fertility doctor, "old-fashioned" and "natural" usually go out the window because you are seeing the doctor because "old-fashioned" and "natural" didn't work for you. But babies made the new-fashioned way may be even more precious.

My history – in summary (lol, quite long actually)

I have always had regular periods, it was pretty nice. The only issue I ever had was cramps, but even those weren’t too bad, back in high school I’d have to take ½ day sick or something depending on when the cramps occurred. I figure it was just part of being a girl.  I started taking birth control pills after I graduated college and moved to Houston, now I can’t even remember why I started taking them; I mean my periods weren’t that bad, and I wasn’t having sex.  Two years later I met and then married my husband, we were married 2 ½ years before I stopped taking birth control. In Dec ’05 I finished my final cycle on birth control. In Jan ’06, I started my first period.  Now, 42 cycles later I’m still not pregnant.  There were many cycles in there that time was missed, either by Shaft being out of town, or we just weren’t active during that necessary time, but at least 30+ cycles have been timed well.  In the summer of ’07 we went to my ob/gyn and she said that she wanted to have Shaft tested to make sure everything was OK with him.  His results came back, and he was fine, other than a slight infection which she gave him meds for.  She said that since I had regular 26 day cycles that I was ovulating, so she wanted to do an HSG to see how my uterus and ovaries looked.  Well, insurance didn’t cover that expense, and since she was going to perform it in the hospital it would cost a pretty penny.  We decided to go to the RE to see what he thought about my situation.  In Nov ’07 we had our first meeting with Dr Mac.  He seems to be a great Dr, he did a few blood tests to see if I ovulated that cycle, since it was nearing the end of the cycle.  Then he had a blood test arranged the next week btw CD 3 & 5.  He had me take a fasting blood test, as well as other base hormonal levels.  My levels were fine, except for the fasting portion.  I had insulin resistance.  He put me on metformin, 1000mg and wanted to test again in a couple of months to see how my I/R was.  Well, my glucose numbers went down, but my insulin remained the same, or actually got higher.  We continued on for several more months, increasing the metformin, and also testing my insulin numbers; at this point they had not suggested a diet change, so even though I knew it couldn’t hurt I didn’t really worry about my diet too much.  We continued on, and I finally got to 2000 mg of Metformin daily, and even after that my insulin hadn’t changed; and at this point I was at least somewhat attempting a low GI diet.  This would bring us to the middle of ’08, and I turned 31… We went back to his office, and he explained that I needed to diet, as well as take a combo of met an avandia.  I started the new program and my insulin went down a little bit, but not down to the 10 that he wanted to see in order to put me on Clomid.  I was very strict on the diet for several more weeks, and went off the diet for one week, and my insulin went back UP.  I wanted to cry, b/c I knew he didn’t want to put me on Clomid, and neither did Shaft b/c he didn’t want to risk the higher chance of miscarriage.  I didn’t want that risk either.  Well, now it’s the end of the year, and I am not pregnant.  I tried Soy Isoflavones last month, and I am pretty sure I ovulated, but I don’t know.  My period started today, and frustration is coming back in.  I obviously do not want to have a miscarriage, I cannot even imagine the pain that it would cause; but right now it seems like we aren’t moving forward with anything, and that hurts worse.  It seems like it all falls back on my diet.  Obviously being healthier would be beneficial, but we can’t wait until I get down to 160 – b/c that could take years and many large women do have healthy pregnancies.  Also, if the one day my Insulin is 10, but then 2 weeks later I take Clomid what happens if my insulin is back at an 11 or 12, it seems to vary almost daily.

I don’t know where else to go, what else to do; and what are the real risks of miscarriage with elevated insulin? Would combating it with progesterone in early pregnancy help elevate the problem?  What can I do?  Why do most women that I see online take metformin for a month, sometimes 2 or 3 months and then are put on Clomid w/o regard to their insulin levels. I have heard some Drs don’t even monitor those levels.

Please help, as I am at the end of my rope.

I hate being a girl... at least until the moment I get pregnant.

Well, my period started a couple of days early - thank you very much.  I'm going to take 3 soy pills this month (starting on CD 3; Wednesday).

Next month I'm going to start Clomid... or call another Dr that likes to use Femara.

It doesn't happen very often; but Wednesday night we were all in for a shocker.  They told us their was a 30% chance of flurries; we all thought, yea right, we won't see any of that.

As the day progressed at work my friends in West Houston told me via IM that they were seeing snow. I looked out the office window downtown, and couldn't see anything, but COLD air.  I went back to my desk, and worked until about 5:30.

Shaft had car issues, that required me driving to his office to pick him up after I got off work.  So, at 5:30pm, I take off driving from downtown to 290 & the beltway, during the worst cold weather in several years.  It actually wasn't terrible, and I made it there in about an hour. We obviously weren't going to be making it to Baytown in time for services, and stopping on the way home to go to services wouldn't bode well with 2 dogs in their crates since 7am.  So, about 6:30 we head out of Shaft's office East to home.  It was snowing at this point, and I was really enjoying the drive, since it had been awhile since I have seen snow. We had a few flurries last year at Thanksgiving in Fort Worth.  As we got closer to downtown the snow got heavier, and heavier. I was seriously shocked at the amount.  By the time we passed downtown I started noticing snow on the roofs of a few houses, I thought a couple of the houses were empty, but then I realized that most of them were lit up, so there was heat in the home (at least I hope there was). Then we started noticing it on the embankments of the highway.  Seriously, snow sticking in early December in Houston!!!  I was wearing a short sleeved shirt the day before, so the ground was definitely quite warm.

As we got closer to Baytown the more snow we saw, I drove Shaft crazy talking about it.  When we got to Baytown it was sleeting, so I figured that was it with the snow, and no more would stick.  We stopped at Whataburger and grabbed dinner and headed to the house.  We ate and I went upstairs to get comfy in my jammies and watch tv, and check out my new book and game I got in the mail that day.  Shaft had to go outside and do a few things with his truck, and he came back inside and made me join him, saying the entire neighborhood was outside. We could hear the kids, but all the adults were outside as well.  We walked over to our neighbors and talked to them while watching the snow fall, and they were building a cute little snowman.

We had left the dogs inside, so we left quickly and then let the dogs outside in the 2in snow.  Cowboy and Titan had a fit, the just LOVED it. They hadn't seen snow since they were puppies, 4 years ago.  Cowboy slid around on the deck a little bit, and they ran around chasing eachother, sliding around.  We joined the boys outside in their play.  Shaft made a snowball and tossed it in the air, and Cowboy caught it in his mouth, then he tried to bury it in the snow.  Shaft gave a couple of smaller ones to Titan, and would throw a few across the yard for Cowboy to catch.  They just LOVED it.  Shaft handed me the camera, and I attempted to move to take a video of him throwing the snowball to Cowboy. Remember how I said it had been years since I've been in snow? Well, I was wearing tennis shoes, and was standing on a wooden deck.  Yea, I lost my footing and nearly fell on my rear, my legs slid apart further than I EVER thought they could.  Oh, and today my inner thigh is killing me.  This

Well, we didn't get very many pictures, as it was dark, and the flash wasn't working right, but I will try to post the few we got soon.  We ended up with 3 1/2 inches, and it was all pretty much gone by the time I got home from work last night.

Kids in the neighborhood rolled up a snowball about 5ft high.  They ended up leaving it in the yard across the street from us, of course it's still there. I wonder how long it'll last... hehehe

Apparently Baytown got the most of the snow that fell in the area. I heard NOLA got snow too, but I'm not sure how much.  I really feel bad for those that are still living in tents, etc b/c of Hurricane Ike.  They talked on the news how whenever we have been hit with a major hurricane we got snow, Ike this year, Alicia back in the early '80s and some other storm back in the '70s.

Well, enough about the snow.  Right now I'm in the middle of the dreaded two week wait.  I am pretty sure that I ovulated, and my tempratures are holding up fairly high.  I'm due to have AF around the middle of next week, so I may test then, but definitely before next weekend.  My 2 friends K & C were both due to have AF this week.  K tested earlier this week and got a negative, even though she was having symptoms. I just hate that PMS symptoms can mimic pregnancy symptoms.  C hasn't tested yet, as far as I know, she did try Soy this month too, but Thanksgiving and her husband's hunting trip interferred with the timing; they may get lucky, but maybe next month will be better for them.  I would love to be able to tell my parents and MIL that we are going to have a baby when we visit at Christmas; we'll just have to see. I'm not feeling any different than normal, but I've given up on even trying to interpret symptoms.  Pray for us, as the holidays are hard.

Well church last night was interesting.

Shaft wasn't going to attend b/c he had a meeting with Japan; so I went on w/o him, but after class I saw him out in the auditorium.  He was talking with a couple that was with a friend of ours.  After services were over he made me go over and talk to them.  Well, come to find out; they are from France, and travelling from Miami, FL to Argentina (I figure somewhere on the far south tip of So. America).  Anyway, they were a really sweet couple; and what they have been doing is walking about 20 miles a day, and then knocking on people's doors to see if they can set up their tent in their garage, or yard. Somehow yesterday they ended up in our friend Brandon's yard.  They said that b/c of their US visa they have to walk 20 miles a day; but when they get into Mexico and So. America that they don't have to go as far every day.  Appparently they plan on taking 3 years to do this.  I just wish that at the time I had the name of some people in Brazil that I know; and given them the names of some people in south Texas that we also know.

Well, also at church last night our friend with ovarian cancer came with shaved head (she's got a good bald head).  Shaft, who normally lets me shave his head for him (like a 1 or 2), shaved it himself. I saw a spot he missed and he said that he'd get it... it didn't occur to me that he would shave his head BALD.  He had mentioned he might do it when our friend lost her hair, but I didn't expect him to really do it. 

Also, Shaft picked me up from work yesterday; and as we were going home I could see his eyes whelling up in tears. He said that he was really happy for his brother; but it's just hard seeing them have 2 kids when we don't even have 1 yet.  He also said right before bed last night that if I do get pregnant that I need to go see my RE right away; since it'd probably be a high risk pregnancy.  I just smiled, knowing that it meant that I would need to take a PG test right away (when my period is due).

Baby Tenny.son is here !!!

Born at 12:55AM 12/3; 6lbs 11oz 19.5 inches long

I saved a picture in my albums - SUCH a cutiepie.

I took my second dose of Soy Isoflavones today.  I say a little prayer every time I swallow one of the pills. One of the side-effects of soy is supposed to be headaches, and they suggest taking it at night, well, I'm taking it in the AM, and I haven't had a headache yet.

Last night the sermon was about prayer, and how God answers prayer, but sometimes his answer is 'no'.  Every time I hear a sermon like that, or hear someone say that to me, it makes me wonder why we take medications, and if me taking medication for something that isn't a 'health' issue is against what God wants for us.  I also would like to know how we know if God's answer is 'no' to getting pregnant.  It can be clear if his answer is no to cureing cancer in someone, or letting a sick person live, but in my situation I really won't know that the answer is no until I'm in my 50s.

But, the sermon last night did encourage me to pray more.  I know that prayer does work, and and I need to pray more.

One thing that prayer has helped - our friend that has a baby girl that was in the NICU for 2 weeks went home on Friday, she's doing great now, momma and daddy look sooo happy that baby is home.

There is a medication that people have determined works very similar to clomid. I am going to try it this next month - who knows if it will work or not, but it's only $6 at Wal-Mart.  I'm tired of waiting on my Dr and Shaft to let me take clomid when women all over with the same issues I have take it all the time.  Anyway, I'm going to Wal-Mart tonight to pick it up, and since my period started today I will take it starting either Saturday or Sunday... I should ovulate after we get back from Thanksgiving; which will time well, and hopefully make for a wonderful Christmas present for our parents (and ourselves as well).

A good friend of mine is trying it for the first time this month - she's 5 days ahead of me, maybe it'll work for her too!!!

K... I don't think you need to try it yet, I want to see how this month works on the monitor before telling you to try it. I think you ovulate on your own